ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

A phone call from the hospital

Simon asked me to come along with him to .the hospintal to see his wife. He told me that he had just got a phone call from the hospital.
The doctor said that his wife had ^iven birth to a child. He was so glad
that he soon went there and asked the nurse,
"How's my child ?"
"It's all right., Your child is a baby-boy"
replied the nurse,
"And how a bout the mother ?" Simon asked.
"In a yood condition, and she remains the same, a woman ! "

ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

The Annual Meeting of the International Brotherhood of Space Scientists

It was the annual meeting of the International brotherhood of space scientists in 2009.
"We are preparing to send a rocket-to Pluto", announced the Americans proudly.
"It will have six men aboard and will stay on Pluto for a whole month
before making the long trip back to Earth"
"That's nothings" scoffed the Russians. "We dre almost ready to launch our spaceship
countaining two hundred men and women bo start the " first colony of Uranus"
"Our country can bear you both", Said the Irish scientist.
"We are going to send d rocket straight to the sun"
"Don't be silly;" said .he American and Russian scientists.
"The rocket will (iislfc before it gets there"
"No, it won't", replied the Irish.scientist.
"We're sending it up at night"

ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

An ancient Japanese General

An ancient Japanese General and an old British Major were talking.
"Why do you always win battles, whereas we always seem to lose all our wars, except the economic ones?" asked the Japanese General.
"Because we dlwdys pray to God before we go into battle" replied the British Major.
"That's not so, because we also pray to God but we never win"
"Ah!" said the British Major, "but not everyone can understand Japanese"

ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

A Country Yokel

A country yokel and a professor were in a train,
and as it was a long journey they eventually got to talking,
"Everytime you miss a riddle you give me a pound,
and everytime I miss one I give you a pound"
said the professor. When they had run out of the
usual things to talk about.
"Ah!, but you're better educated than me, so
I'll give you 50 pences (0,5 pound) and you can
give me a quid (1 pound)" suggested the yokel.
The professor agreed and the yokel made up the first riddle :
"When has three leys walking and two legs flying?"
The professor didn't know, so he gave" the yokel a pound.
The yokel didn't know either, so he gave the professor 50 pences.

ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

A Truly Remarkable Parrot

Mrs, Green had a truly remarkable parrot and when
the vicar came to tea one afternoon she could not
resist demonstrating to him how clever her pet was.
"If you pull this little string on its left leg,
Polly will sing 'Abide Wide Me"" said Mrs.Green proudly.
"And if you pull the string on its right leg it will sing ' Onward
Christian Soldiers'"
"How wonderful!" exclaimed the vicar.
"And what happens if you pull both strings at ones'?"
"Simple!" replied the parrot. "I fall off my perch, you stupid old twit !"

ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

Dr. Gilbert

Dr.Gilbert asked his patient before he decided to
perform a surgical operasion.
" What's your average Weight?"
" 1 don't know, Doctor"

" Well, what's the most you ever weighed in your life ?”
" 180 pounds" answered the patient.
" And what's the least you ever weighed in your life?"
" I don't know,, but my mother told me that I was six pounds
eight ounces."

ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

THE Stupid Man

Mr. Knott was a teacher. He taught in a big school
in London, He lived a long way from the school, so
he was usually quite tired when he got home.At nine
o'clock one evening, when he was in bed, the
telephone bell rang in the hall of his small house,
so he went downstairs, picked up the telephone and
said,'This is Whitebridge 3165. Who's speaking,
please?'
'Watt, ' a man answered.
'What's your name, please?' said Mr. Knott.-
'Watt's my name,' was the answer.
'Yes, I asked you that. What's your name?'
Mr.Knott said again.
'I told you. Watt's my name,' said the other
man.'Are you Jack Smith?'
'No, I'm Knott,' answered Mr. Knott.
Will you give me your name, please?' said
Mr.Watt.
'Will Knott,' answered Mr. Knott.
Both Mr. Watt and Mr. Will Knott put their
telephones down angrily and thought,'That was a
rude, stupid man!'

ENGLISH FOR PLEASURE

Three Slightly Deaf Ladies


Three slightly deaf ladies met on a street corner,.
and they got to talking.
"It's windy, isn't it?' said one of them.
The second heard 'Wednesday-', then she replied :
"No. it's Thursday"
the' third heard -thirsty- and ,_us ha^ce
she was thirsty.
"so am I. Let's all 90 and have a cup of tea
the third said.